Ramadhan and I

Now I am into the 64 Ramadhan of my life from the day I was born and if it has any bearing on my worldview, the question I would like to ask is how much it had impacted upon my soul and my being. In fact,I am treading on "soft" ground because I cannot claim to be an "Ulama" but perhaps some might label me as "Banyak Lemak" if I begin even to question the axiomatic truth. No, I am not undermining my faith or anybody's faith for that matter if I reflect upon such an issue. When we were small, we were told to fast because it's simply what Islam requires every believer to abide by it's Pillars of which there are five, and " Saum" or "Puasa" is one of them. But if I am not mistaken, the verse in the Al-Quran says that one is made to fast as it's obligatory in order to make you be "Pious" or "Takwa". It's literary meaning of " Takwa" is to have the Fear of ALLAH in your soul and in your being by doing what is commanded and refrain from what's prohibited. So, the month of Ramadhan is said to be the Blessed time where all the Syaitans and the Iblis ( Devils or Devils Incarnate) are being shackled so that we the mortals can perform our obligations without inteference from these unseen beings. But what about we ourselves as the " Syaitans" who folowed our " Nafs" by laying the table during the " Berbuka Puasa" with such fare that one could hardly finish and most probably will be thrown away the next day because they are perishables and the refrigerator could not be overflowing with leftovers of the previous nights. I am still unable to reconcile this inclination to overfeed ourselves come Ramadhan. Whereas in point of fact it should be the reverse, whereby our food bill should be less than the other months in the Muslim Calendar. I might be guilty of committing the same behaviour just like the others and people might think that I am a hypocrite. But this is only one small example of how our "Niat" and our behaviour does not seem to be in harmony with one another, and this is one of the most difficult bad habit to overcome. Apart from that is the other sunnah which should be parctised such as Terawih prayers and the reciting of the Al- Quran during the night or day depending on one's preference. Frankly speaking, I am a delinquent where Terawih is concerned, and with age I have become increasingly erratic in doing this sunnah. But I do recite the Al-Quran almost every morning now. My wife says I am not consistent in my Terawih prayers as I could do it by myself. That's true but I choose to read the Al-Quran instead, because it's much easier for me. The Terawih seemed to make more demands on myself and I am guilty of skipping it more often than not. But that's the way I want to be and I have the freedom to choose which one I want to be. Whether this Ramadhan is going to make me more God Fearing, I am not so sure. But I do always blurt out " Astaghafirullah" when something upsets me, which means I beg to be forgiven by ALLAH for my impatience and wrongs which I committed whenever my temper is tested. So the month of Ramadhan has a quality which no other month in the Muslim Calendar carries, because for whatever good turn one does is more than amply rewarded by seven times than in other months, and that's the reason why some people seemed to be overgenerous in Ramadhan. At least that's what appeared to me and I could be not far from misconception if I could say " Astaghafirullah Al-Azim" and followed by " La Hawlawala Quataillahbillahil Azim" which means I have no strength but only ALLAH could be my saviour!. Wallahuwa'lam.